And so you see now,

maybe sitting on
my bathroom floor
isn’t as bad
as I thought.

I lean back
against my bathtub,
the feeling of cold tiles
against my bare skin.

my mind wants to think
my body wants to move
I want to run and scream
but I am numb.

I close my eyes
feel tears tracing my cheek
I don’t want this
I don’t have a choice.

I don’t think of you
or her
or us
I don’t think of anything.

the tiles are so cold they burn
my fragile heart and skin
your touch still lingers
like mascara stains my face.

you aren’t here, you never will be
but don’t you understand
that I can’t take this
I never could.

you need to decide
if you’re here or not
if you’re hers or not
if you want me or not.