I became what I hoped for the better, finally.
I am in the depths of a trauma I felt was building, yet didn’t believe would actually happen. It’s funny how we can be so aware of it and yet, when it breaks, we still break along with it. I hadn’t fully considered the possibility that I would be here, experiencing a type of emotional amnesia that seems to have rendered me lost and unmotivated.
I know that time needs to do its healing dance. I know I will eventually come to understand the reasons why this happened. And I know that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. But how does one heal an invisible wound? How does one tend to injuries that the eye can’t see?
I’m hoping you’re much further along in this process than me, but I’m going to start by acknowledging it. I feel its edges and can see its depth. I am going to fill it with all the things he couldn’t say, all the support they never offered and all of the value I never felt. It will overflow with laughter, joy, connection and belonging until it ceases to be a wound and instead becomes a scar. In time, I will look at it as a reminder of the fullness of life and of my capacity to love and be loved, instead of the gateway to a kind of despair I haven’t known before now.
Future self, my intention is to bolster you with all the support and love you will need for the next chapter of your life. I hope you feel like you’ve weathered the storm in ways you didn’t think possible and are surprising those around you with the limitless nature of your compassion.
You’re smiling as you read this because you understand that the choices I make today affect you and your daily life right now. You are truly proud and honored to have been me because your overall journey sprinkled with mistakes, hardships, rejections, failures, and heartbreaks became your recipe to the happiness that resides in you in this very moment.
Remember the times when you felt stuck and couldn’t find a way to move forward? Remember how you questioned your existence or your identity, trying to figure out who you really were, where you belong, and what purpose you serve? Remember when you were too scared to leave stagnant relationships and look toward the personal and spiritual growth potential within you? Well, look at you, now. You’ve made it this far.
Although life hasn’t offered the most clarity, you’ve come a long way. You’ve learned to let go of fear and embrace beauty and pain for what it is. As beautiful yet terrifying as it is right now for me and was back then for you, you’ve become your own best friend, yet still manage to have an abundance of love within your heart to give to everyone — your family, friends, and even strangers. I am certain that this quality of you and me will always remain. But you see, I know that everything happening right now is part of my bigger plan for you. You should know now that all the turbulence and stress was so divinely put into my life to help me become the person I need to be and the person you are today.
You’ve taken a full leap of faith into the unknown and are aware that no matter what life throws at you, you are stronger, smarter, healthier, and more beautiful than you were the day before. Remember, that you are not defined by your struggles or any situation that you find yourself in. You ride the waves of life with such ease now. Sometimes, it makes me want to catch up to you faster because often times when I hit a tide, I seem to crash. I know that my life at the moment is a web of tangled and intricate experiences and emotions that have helped mold me into you. Trust me; I am working every single day to make myself better for you.
The thing is, I love myself now, but I love the thought of you — my future — more. I love the idea right now of growing into someone who dictates my own future, and I absolutely cannot wait to grow into the person you are now — confident, wise, mature, strong, independent, charismatic, and imperfect.
Crazy past person-
Its damn time I write a post to myself 😉